未来のカケラを集めて　行けばいい

我今天心情很爛。超爛。
首先是八號風球，令與Kate & Carrie的聚會取消，要我呆在家中。
然後晚上和sisters的聚會也要延遲。
當時我是失望。

之後和家人吃午飯時，老爸說我們是乘坐星期六的早機。
我差點拍走出大家樂哭。
我原本計算好可以剩下數天和朋友見面的。今次的風暴害我浪費了一整天。
然後你忽然告訴我，我要早上七時許到達機場。
天呀，你必定是在作弄我。
因為如此，我想我沒有機會在上機之前見我某些心愛的朋友一面了。
原來放榜那天已是最後一天。
我無言。

回到家中，邊收拾邊受老媽的氣。
FINE。我沒怨言。你不要管我太多就行，你不要誤會我得過份就行。
心情差時受委屈是很辛苦的。唯有將它當作磨練吧我心想。橫豎到英國我也要透過訓練自己堅強去學懂獨立。

晚上我和Tiff用msn聊天。
我又差點兒哭了。為免在父母面前忽然沮喪，我躲進洗手間裡啜泣。
不是任何人的錯。是我崩潰罷了。
這幾個月裡，我沒哭過。頂多是流數顆眼淚。今次我破例。
我還未明白是什麼trigger我哭。我只知道很難忍受，喉嚨因為忍淚而痛極。
然後就哭了起來。

Probably I’ve been escaping. It’s not like I don’t want to have any farewell parties held for me; it’s not like I’m not enthusiastic about the parties; it’s not like I don’t appreciate. But when I know it’s a FAREWELL party, it reminds me how many days are left. And it hurts a tiny bit of me.
So I don’t want to make a plan for these parties. I’d rather let them be surprising than to predict how long can I hold my tears during those events.

I have been showing how excited I am. But inside this shell I’m scared like shit. A voice tells me to believe, believe that the friendships won’t be spoiled by my leaving, by my determination of pursuing a dream of youth. And I don’t even need to convince myself to trust in our relationships, because my belief exists just naturally. I believe all of you all along this road.
Somehow fear can live with the company of belief, to my later surprise. Doubtlessly I believe in you, my dearest friends. However I fear. I fear that one day, a certain thing I cannot predict takes place and our friendship eventually dies off. I believe it won’t occur, this horrible event. But I fear. I am way too scared to care if I believe it or not.

I know if I let myself to continue thinking this way, I will never be a tough woman standing steadily on the right spot soon. So I avoid myself from thinking about this. To do this, I force myself to only look at the bright side, smile whenever people ask me when I will be leaving and pretend as if there’s no reason for me to be miserable for the departure.

This is so not me, but it’s the only way to rescue myself, isn’t it? Aside from believing in you all, I have to trust myself I didn’t make a wrong decision, that I am doing the right thing.

I’m sorry if I give you the misconception that I am not sad at all. Or maybe you might think I am unexpectedly happier than you thought. It doesn’t really matter how you see me, because that’s your own impression of mine. I won’t disturb your thinking. It might be better this way, you know. No one has to worry too much about me. At least that is one of my purposes; I just hate to see people sinking into sadness because of me. Please forgive me for not being honest and genuine enough and please understand.